In New York I’ve found the freedom I’ve been longing for. The freedom to be me and express myself however I choose, to dress exactly the way I want. It’s liberating for my soul.
Lying in bed on this Christmas morning in our gorgeous loft room with gables in New Jersey, I see the rose tattooed on Tim’s arm. It kind of looks like it is ‘vomiting’ a panther(!) and I’m reminded of my grandma’s curtains as a childe.
Somehow the image of the rose has echoed across time, bringing so much love and comfort
Tim and I are sitting at Dallas Love Field airport, waiting to board our flight to New Jersey to spend Christmas with his family. Of course we’re at the gate two flights and one hour before our boarding call thanks to efficient Tim’s efficient army scheduling 🙂
At first I thought we were going to the Jersey Shore and was very disappointed to find out we’re not so no spray tan, leopard print or hair gel for me.
I’m quite excited to finally be leaving our ghetto home in Arlington.
I was sitting on the toilet at midnight, about to begin reading Eat Pray Love for the fourth time, when he knocked on the door and said, “Bubble are you ok to be unsupervised right now? I worry about you”
I had gotten out of our bed and moved to the guest room, where I’d been spending more than a few nights enjoying my own bed and some quiet.
Of course he was referring to my slight wig out earlier on when I expressed my paranoia and jealous thoughts. “I just need you to believe that I’m ok, that there’s nothing wrong with me” I told him. “Because when I’m like this I don’t”
I was so touched by his tenderness and thoughtfulness to come check on me in the bathroom but of course by that stage the wig out had passed and I felt completely normal.
I can feel my body and adrenals start to relax, like I’m allowing myself to feel and live again. For the first time since Laef died I feel like I’m actually alive and that I don’t have to worry about my very survival or existence anymore. I don’t have to worry where my next meal or dollar is coming from, I no longer feel scarcity reaching its long spindly fingers around my neck, attempting to strangle the very life and breath from me. I can relax, I have some money of my own and a beautiful man who is taking care of me.
Every now and then I’m swept with a wave of feeling like somehow my dreams have come true, after years of struggling, suffering and feeling sick. It feels wonderful.