When I was 23 and a model in Sydney, I had a boyfriend who was also a model and he used to say that some of the most beautiful people on the outside are the ugliest on the inside.
I know all about that. Lately, as I transition into my late 30s, I’m obsessed with being the most desired woman in any situation. I’m not sure if it’s because in Texas, I encounter so few women who are more attractive than me – as opposed to Perth where everyone is beautiful and 21 and I somehow managed to accept my ever-extending age gracefully. But I can’t help but admit, it’s become a little sad. I look at my wrinkles and I feel my power slipping away. For ages, I’ve made beauty my one shining achievement – not like Liz Gilbert who is a standout author. What do I do now that it’s fading? Botox? Resist and fight like hell against the current of life (as I have done with most everything else that I don’t like about this life).
As my beloved Tim told me this morning, “You can’t do that forever, you’re getting old.” Why, after all these years of looking for a man who’ll love me for who I am, am I suddenly wanting him to pay attention to my attractiveness. Why do I hate that he doesn’t care what I wear, prefers me in sweats with no makeup and that lingerie is completely lost on him. I somehow desperately want to be validated for that part of me and him resisting it or doing whatever he’s doing is turning me off. I find I’m not attracted to him sexually, he doesn’t turn me on with the things he does to me and I’m starting to be attracted to other men.
How does this all play out? Which part is responsible for which? Is it him? Is it me? No doubt it’s both of us and I’m sure he’s got something going on where he has suppressed his raw masculinity so resists the feminine power of beauty. I feel really suppressed and shut down. And starved, sexually. And ignored.
I really don’t know how much longer I can keep this up, I’ve even started to entertain thoughts of somehow managing to have an affair while he’s away for six weeks. And I NEVER condone or entertain the idea of cheating.
Is it just, after 8 months of being together and 6 months of living together, this is where all couples end up? But right from the start I knew he wasn’t what I liked in bed. And it’s only got worse the more familiar we get with each other. I’ve had good lovers before and I knew they were good on the very first night. Maybe that one in particular that I’m thinking about right now has spoiled me for life. And what part does “complementary childhood wounding creating chemistry” play in all this? I mean, Mr Sexual Superstar was also the one who completely eviscerated me, threw me into depression, anxiety, chronic and adrenal fatigue, from which I had to escape to another country (and another man) to recover.
BUT I’M STILL NOT SATISFIED. Tim doesn’t meet me in that place somewhere between chemistry, ego, identity and childhood wounding. The place that I didn’t think would or should matter when I finally found the man who knows how to fulfill me emotionally. And yet, here I am, in an ego/sex quandary. Does every woman want to be validated for her beauty and attractiveness or am I being an ego-maniac/love addict?
I’m an extremely sensual woman but also emotional and so very loving. Tim gives me everything emotionally but he’s just not sensual or, dare I say it, classy. Whoever would have thought that would be important to me? He’s a big-hearted, balls out, heart on his sleeve kinda guy – kind of reminds me of those beautiful people I saw in the Special Olympics. But I also want somebody who will get dressed up, take me to nice places and enjoy the finer things in life with me…. Am I asking too much?