I’m struggling with love. I’ve been sick/weird/feeling awful again these last few days, with it being really bad yesterday, I went to bed feeling awful and slightly hopeless. The voice of my brilliant doctor back in Perth in my head, “Your mind controls nothing, you can’t control life, you have to surrender. This is God talking to you and you will be sick for as long as it takes to listen”. This morning as I went about my duties in the kitchen, I realized I was doing everything without love. This hard obsessiveness that my head was driving everything with – “You HAVE to do this for our health, we MUST do this for your health, we have to do this the RIGHT way”. The problem was, they were all good actions and without them I would probably be really sick but doing them this way is making me sick. The CONTEXT inside of which they were happening, my head telling me, ordering me like a drill sergeant was just wearing me out. Exhausting me mentally, emotionally and physically. No matter how hard I try and how fast I go, I just can’t keep up with my head. And my nerves were a wreck.
So something inside of me this morning told me that love was missing – I’m eating and I’m praying, maybe I need to be loving. It reminds me of a passage in Eat Pray Love:
“I call my friend Susan back in New York City one day, and listen as she confides to me, over the typical urban police sirens wailing in the background, the latest details of her latest broken heart. My voice comes out in the cool, smooth tones of a late-nite, jazz-radio DJ, as I tell her she just has to let go, man, how she’s gotta learn that everything is just perfect as it is already, that the universe provides, baby, that it’s all peace and harmony out there…
I can almost hear her rolling her eyes as she says over the sirens, ‘spoken like a woman who already had four orgasms today’”.
I struggle just to LET GO, it seems my mind has the need to control EVERYTHING. Not only that, but I seem to have no control over the thoughts that rush in and flood me and leave me feeling so terrible.
This morning I realize everything has to be imbued with love or it won’t work. I somehow have to connect my heart to all that I do. That was what was missing for me, my heart. My head was running everything and making all of us sick. How do I bring my heart into it? How do I feel love for myself and life while I’m cleaning the kitchen or working on my immigration paper work. I have to find a way because doing it all without it is killing me.
Love, feel love. Let your heart speak and rule.
- It’s Never Stupid to Love (annafig19.wordpress.com)
- “Fragile” ~The Poetry of Linda Willows (lindawillows.wordpress.com)